Suicide: The After Effects

July, 1995 - My sister, Kathryn, 43, was found in a hotel room dead of a self-induced overdose. We knew what was going on, just didn't know where she was or how to find her. There were signs that she had been to her apartment, but that was our only trace.

Kathryn was released from the hospital on Friday (admission was due to another attempt, which she claimed was not such). She came to my home looking for Scott, her 19-year-old mentally challenged son. She said, "You won't have to worry about either of us anymore."

That's when we knew - we TOLD doctors not to release her, but she must have threatened them (usual for Kathryn) for talking with me. [HIPAA wasn't in effect then. One minute I was talking with doctors and nurses, the next they said they couldn't speak with me anymore. They released her shortly thereafter.]

When the police came to my home on Monday to inform me of Kathryn's death, my three young children and Scott were home, so they were ushered to their rooms. My youngest, Patricia (only 5 at the time), was Kathryn's Godchild; her pride and joy. Patricia was blessed with sleepovers, outings, and special gifts (i.e., the ice skates she only wore once and still is upset that we cannot locate [update 6/8/08 they're found! This will be such a cherished possession once I grace Patricia with my find at a party in her honor soon!). Applebee's was a special place for them; Patricia loved the grilled cheese. Thank God for memories - Applebee's continues to be a very special place for Patricia (now 18 years old).

It appeared to me that she loved Patricia more than Scott, but I know it was just because she was at a loss of what to do; she was exhausted from all her efforts thus far. Scott was an epileptic, as was Kathryn. However, Scott's seizures grew to an unmanageable level and medication failed to control them. After an MRI revealed that seizures were coming from both hemispheres of the brain, she had a choice - either leave him to die soon due to the seizures, or let doctors operate to implant a metal plate and brackets into his skull. She chose surgery.

Surgery left Scott, a previously fully functioning, independent 16-year-old teen, a totally dependent person. He had to re-learn how to use all his bodily functions - talk, walk, write, etc. He still had seizures, but the remaining are controlled with medication. Rehab, fighting with doctors, dealing with lawyers; it was too much for Kathryn to handle, especially when Scott's father never paid a cent in child support and had not seen his child in years.

March of 1994, our sister, Marie, died after an 8-month battle with leukemia. This was going on at the same time that Scott was going through his issues. Kathryn spent months literally in the hospital 24 hours a day, taking turns going from one hospital to the other. Marie's death affected Kathryn quite a bit. She didn't understand - "Marie has a loving husband, three beautiful children; why did this happen to her? It should have been me!"

Kathryn was a LPN. Besides knowing how much of what drug she needed to take, she also had her seizure and depression medication on hand; came in handy. There were four attempts (or warning signs) prior to her final weekend, but she wasn't ready for it previously, but she was that July.

Mixed Emotions:

Having another sister (Marie) die just 15 months prior of leukemia, I wasn't ready for how I would deal with Kathryn's death. With Marie, I was sad and had the usual emotions (yes, I know there are no ‘usual') when one loses a loved one. However with Kathryn, I experienced relief, then hurt, anger, extreme pain, and sadness.

My relief came from knowing that I wouldn't get another call that she had done something to herself or was in the hospital. I also didn't have to lie to my coworkers (worked for the same company in different departments, different shifts) about why she was in the hospital or why she wasn't at work or why I was on the phone with her excessively during my work hours.

My hurt, anger, pain, and sadness took the form of: Why did she have to do this? She is leaving so many people who love her, need her. She won't get to see any of the good times or be there to help out during the tough times. I am now left with one sister when I used to have three for companionship and support. I am also the sole person who 13 years later is still trying to get our family back together because they have been so messed up from our losses and have not dealt with the issues in order for us to be a true family like we used to be.

Scott still cannot deal with the guilt he feels as a result of his mother's death, even though he has been counseled that this is not true. Of course Scott also does not do well on Mother's Day, Kathryn's birthday, nor the anniversary of her passing. I was Scott's guardian for a year, but was forced to give him up to the state due to safety concerns for my children (Scott had anger problems coupled with his mental challenges). Scott then married (even though both are mentally challenged, they were 21 years old, so state law allows them to marry) and became a father. The child was taken away at the hospital and eventually adopted.

My mother was not well to deal with what needed to be done upon Kathryn's death, so I handled the affairs for burial. I also cleaned out her apartment, gave back her car, and handled any other personal issues. I spent years crying in the car for no reason, when my mind drifted to her, when a song came on, and a time I particularly remember where the DJ said offending remarks about suicide that I totally disagreed with.

In my opinion, Kathryn took the easy way out (though I am sure there are many who totally understand her and disagree with me), but that's what it's like for those of us who remain. Why? Some leave notes, but Kathryn did not, only her memories.

NEED ASSISTANCE? Please, if you can relate to this situation, I pray it gives you a different perspective from what you may have in your mind now. Suicide affects not only your life, but there is extreme impact as well on everyone who ever knew you; and those yet to come. You are so loved, you have no idea. You are worth fighting for. If others are getting you down, you are letting them win - DON'T LET THEM DO THAT! Please get help.

Do you know someone in this situation, please help them; you won't want to deal with what happens when you saw the signs but didn't know what to do; I've been there, and it's not a good feeling. It's one you'll never forget.

NATIONAL SUICIDE HOTLINES: http://suicidehotlines.com/

1(800) SUICIDE (784-2433)

1(800) 273-TALK (8255)

1(800) 442-HOPE (4673)

1(800) 525-LOVE (K-LOVE Spiritual Ministry for support and/or prayers 24/7) http://k-love.com/

My prayers are with you.